Saturday, February 8, 2020

Comment Wall for Storybook Project

Feel free to share your thoughts and opinions- I want to improve my writing!

This is the place to put any feed back for my storybook project about Vali, King of Monkeys!

You can find my story book here: My Story!

6 comments:

  1. Hi Caleb! I liked your idea to explain the life of Vali and how you shape his character to not be a villain as depicted by the Ramayana. I think you raise a lot of good points about how Vali was just doing what was right, and his only fault was being opposed to Rama in the story. I think hearing the real story of Vali is valuable to readers of the Ramayana because he is glossed over. I want to know more about where your stories are going to go next. I felt like the introduction could have done more to hint at that. I think it would have been awesome if you had made it more somber and even more angry at Rama and Sugriva. A sort of Vali fan page that wants revenge right after its leader has been killed would be a really cool story, so I am looking forward to reading more from your storybook

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  2. Hi Caleb!

    This was a super unique way of telling this story, especially questioning whether Vali is just a bad guy or just a victim of bad circumstances. As a psychology major, I find it very interesting to get into past trauma and see what the roots of many problems are and how they influence our actions. Vali had a very hard time growing up and you did a good job of introducing us to this character in your introduction. I like how your introduction is set up, I was thinking of changing mine to a more fuller look, so this one is very close to that image I have of my intro page. I am a little confused by your (*) remark at the bottom about additional description. Does that mean you will add more to the intro later or these descriptions will be within the other stories? Either way, excited to read more!

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  3. I love the artwork that you see as soon as you enter your site. It’s such an interesting way of drawing the environment and it reminds me that artwork is truly unlimited in the ways that you can express a perception of a story. I enjoyed your choice to use a full-scale banner and I found myself doing the same thing. I think it allows another to feel fully engaged in the site and it provides a bit of artistic flair. As I clicked on the introduction, I expected to see some different imagery, and I can’t say I was disappointed. It looks like you maintained the same artistic, but with a slightly different environment and A LOT more drama. Pertaining to the writing, nice job providing some information on the story. I think an introduction can be a bit difficult on how to jump into the story, but overall you provided a nice breakdown of who Vali is and how his story came to be.

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  4. Hello PackFanBav,

    I like the premise of your storybook! It is always exciting to read an alternate retelling about a character that either does not get as much screen time or is often misunderstood. The fact that you chose Vali is super interesting! Content-wise I do not have any critiques because I think everything is good as is. There are, however, a couple grammar issues that I think can be improved on! For example, "Close siblings, Vali and Sugriva founded the city of Kishkindha together, which Vali, as the older sibling, ruled as king.", was kind of awkward to read. You mentioned in the previous sentence that Vali was the older brother so I don't think it is necessary to mention it again. I also think you can cut off the "close sibling" part because the rest of the sentence does not really allude to that point. Other than this minor gripe, I do not have any other suggestions! It was enjoyable to read and was very to-the-point. Nice job!

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  5. Hey Pack Fan,
    I am a fan of this concept, it seems like you can go in some interesting directions with your storybook. I am a big fan of taking a new perspective on characters, especially when there is little storytime for them. I like the idea of setting the record straight for Vali. Your reasoning was very solid for the new story as well. I do not think there is any criticisms for your concept, but there was some minor grammatical issues that could be cleaned up. "Close siblings, Vali and Sugriva founded the city of Kishkindha together, which Vali, as the older sibling, ruled as king.", was clunky and awkward. You are also repeating yourself in this sentence. The sentence was hard to read and caused me some pause. You could split the sentence into two thoughts and remove the unnecessary repetition. I think this change could drastically improve the flow of your introduction. Consider going back and rereading your introduction to catch clunky sentences like that in the future. If you clean that up I think you have a really good concept and a solid starting point for your storybook.

    I am excited to see what direction you take your storybook in.

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  6. Hi Caleb! I REALLY like how you challenge the assumed identity of Vali. Right from the beginning, you ask if Vali should be rightly classified as a villain, when your expected audience already believes that he is a villain. Therefore, if the readers already know about the story of Vali and Sugriva, then it makes us think if we have done justice to a character in our own minds. I also like how you have provided the background story of Vali and Sugriva. For those reading your Storybook who has no prior knowledge of the brothers, providing this background story is essential and I am glad you have provided it. My only suggestion would be not providing the extra commentary "*additional description will be added with the stories to tell the full story of Vali." I feel like this piece of information is assumed through your statement "The following stories tell of Vali's life, his death, and his relationship with his brother" that is directly above the commentary asterisked sentence. Overall, you have done a great job with your Introduction!

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